I don't wanna lie to you, or mask what I truly want to say if you're being honest with me too. It's just become a stubborn trait of mine these past few years and one I still can't help but feel may be necessary, not to protect me but...others? I'm not sure how it works, exactly.
Nonetheless, the truth of the matter is that when I read your last message it hit really close to home and it struck a bad chord in me. This was no fault of your own, mind. As much as I've come to loathe the word, my 'triggers' are all my own and it's likely only I know of them. Though few, they're around a very particular subject. And I'll be damned to think back on it, but all I've been doing is running away from it so let me be honest here.
DO you remember how back in 2013 I was adamant on pursuing that one girl? Well we both saw how that ended lol. I can't say I didn't expect it. I don't mean for that to reflect our relationship, mind! It's just that during that year as I've mentioned before, it was when I became aware of just who I am...somewhat. I became aware but lacked understanding. Though it was private, when we talked at times I saw myself...my life, reflected in hers. What she told me contradicted what I knew about her and this befuddled me more so than I could illustrate in words.
To give you some more context, that person was always really...headstrong. In a sense? I depended heavily on them, but I yearned to be depended on. However, it felt like I had hit an emotional barrier with them, one that could not be passed unless I was able to be more than just a friend. To some extent, they shared their problems with me and to be able to lend a hand was crucial to my growth as a person and to growing to understand that person.
Back to 2013, I thought my opportunity had come. I was wrong...or so I tell myself. The way things had gone awry had left me...well, to put it bluntly, broken. Everything happened so suddenly with so little explanation and I could not put the pieces together, try as I might. On one hand, I took their words at face value--to that end, I'd felt that I never truly saw them for who they were and had been idolizing my own image of them. On the other, there was something that I was missing, something much more complicated than I could yet fathom. Before I could take apart and reassemble our relationship, let alone my very being, that person vanished without a trace. I met them once by chance, saw someone I thought that was them in a crowd and never again. To add insult to injury, looking for a girl with colourful hair in a crowded con is...well, let's just say I was chasing a ghost at that juncture.
That was long...as is with all of my posts lol. But with me brevity and honesty are constantly at odds. I feel I always leave important things out. But that's beside the point, let me get back on topic. That very thing is...well, you might already be aware of this, but an important part of not just my life, but of many. It's become commonplace to me, but in a case like ours I...can be a little fearful. Thing is, I haven't gotten emotionally attached to anyone in years. Do you remember how I mentioned the hedgehog dilemma a few weeks ago? I typically apply that to everyone I meet and so never particularly develop any strong feelings. When they inevitably leave or develop a disdain for me, there are no two-way hard feelings. To me, that's become human nature. As much as I hate to admit it, I'd feared that would apply to you too, so I kept my guard up. You know how it can go: you fall in love quickly, but out of it slowly. The pain however, lingers.
Still, that was unfair of me. I left previous experiences cloud my judgement as I'm wont to do. Looking back, however, I know you've had your fair share of hardships and there's no denying that it could manifest in what it has now. To know that's a possibility makes my heart ache. If so, then I'm here, for as long as I can be, I'll listen. Tell me everything, tell me anything, and I'll share with you my experiences and empathize with you. You're not alone. You never should feel like you are. I suppose I'm a hypocrite regarding this, but if you're not sure you want to share those experiences with me, consider talking with your friends. Before your experiences manifest into a beast all their own, fight, tooth and nail so that you still have something to smile about. If your texts are any indication, you do and it brings me joy to know that.
Leaving that aside, well...I mean, you know...I...ah. I've become pretty bad with this stuff lol. If I haven't deterred you from your pursuit yet, I'd honestly have to commend you for your tenacity. If my circumstances were a little more normal I would've given an answer in a heartbeat. I mean, I don't have too much doubt in my heart, it's just...complications. The way my life is, the way it's headed and how and why. To some degree, you probably understand or can't talk about it yourself and that's fine. I stopped being one for following the rules, so let me.
In truth, my biggest fear is to take you up on...well you know, and then just go off and die. It's a little unfair, really. On the other hand, I can't bring myself to burden you with having to look out for me. To that end, really, I think I'd be doing the exact thing I hate having done to me. I'm just a really, really stubborn person! I want to be depended on, but I've come to hate depending on people. I know it's wrong, but with the way my life has been these past years whether I like it or not, it's made me subservient. I learned the hard way that to fight is to lose--in spite of what the history of mankind has implied and imparted upon me, it just can't apply to my life. Some would tell me otherwise, but often times those same people would force their will upon me.
But in spite of all of that, I think you might be different. With you, for the first time in years I've actually felt...human. To think that things reached such an extent where I'd be questioning my own existence in such a way is laughable, but painstakingly true. I feel like my mind is muddled and my sense of self dulled. Thinking back on it, it makes me miss the way we used to be. I imagine that it was wont to change and perhaps it could be a good thing. The way things were then, I couldn't imagine us being on this path, but time does change many things.
Still, even so there's still an insurmountable wall between you and I. Not one of our own volition, mind, but one that needs be overcome. In all honesty, for you to have to go that far for me is bullshit. I get universal flak for just existing lol. Thinking on that, frustrates me a little. I suppose in the same vein, that's where my greatest dilemma arises. For years, I haven't cared much for living. Like I always say, I should've been dead and gone years ago. I'm still here, not quite of my own volition. Nowadays people seem to have a problem with my existence on a microcosmic level and I'd be happy to oblige them, but the laws and their strange desire to get in my way...get in my way! Human nature seems to be contradictory. It's why I'm glad you're here. It's been so long since you know, someone actually was really honest with me. After watching Kobayashi yesterday I came to realize and recall that we share a viewpoint on one thing--we're not used to such emotional responses and to that end, have not the foggiest as to how to deal with them.
I almost forgot something important! Regarding you, me and the rest of the world. I...often find myself in a strange predicament. One that echoes the dilemmas of my past and which is what lead me to become wary of what you had told me last time. I won't go too into detail on that--you might know of it too, but it's not important to this. The concern I have with it is that I don't want it to impact my decisions to act again. The fool that I was, I let myself be caught between what people said I should do and what I felt I should do and wound up spinning my wheels. To be honest, I fear that it could become another hurdle for us. One that will eventually return, time and again...and it bothers me to some extent. I want you to be able to make decisions of your own volition and I want to be able to do the same. But that...puzzles me somewhat. I find myself asking, "Is that within my rights? How far am I allowed to stray from the path that's been set for me?" Logically one would think that I should have the freedom to choose, but my life is one that...is...weird??? Common sense often doesn't apply. To that end, neither do the rights of others. I suppose that's why I find my life so worthless lol. Typical thoughts of someone with my mental constitution, but it goes much deeper than I'd like to explore.
Argh! Enough about that. I know I've been really roundabout regarding us. I wish I didn't need to be. If a time comes where that can change, I won't hesitate as I do now. But in all fairness, should that come to be I feel that you should know how I can be in...relationships? I guess? Leaving aside everything else you know about me of course I am...well I dunno. I mean I can be pretty loyal. Not gonna run off with anyone else or something lol. Not really my thing, more effort than it's worth really and it doesn't sit well with me. It can be a fault though. I mean, you'd be stuck with me for a good long while, probably. For some people that would be hell on earth. Ha! That's so true it stings lol.
In all honesty though, there's a damn good chance you'd get smothered, figuratively, not literally. I'm doing that now, aren't I? Sweet baby jesus it's a freakin' instinct lol.
You know, I think I've said plenty. I'm just talking nonsense at this point. Still, in a separate post I'll talk a little bit about what I'm working on and I suppose some of the complications of it. I dunno if you'd be interested in that, but if you are it'll be there. You've somehow read Frequency for years without getting sick of it, all while having me talk about it. You're a trooper in your own right lol.
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